Coping with Grief and Loss - Understanding the Grieving Process

Losing someone you love or care deeply about is very painful. You may experience all kinds of difficult emotions, and it may feel like the pain and sadness you're experiencing will never let up. These are normal reactions to a significant loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; however, there are ways to manage the grieving process healthily. With the right support, you can ease the pain of loss, renew your spirit, and move forward with your life. 

What is the Grieving Process?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:

• Divorce or relationship breakup
• Loss of health
• Losing a job
• Loss of financial stability
• A miscarriage
• Retirement
• Loss of a pet
• Loss of a cherished dream
• A loved one’s serious illness
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of safety after a trauma
• Selling the family home

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you love.

How Long is the Grieving Process?

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. Each encounter with grief is unique because your relationship with the departed is unique. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.

Are There Stages of Grief?

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a breakup.

The Five Stages of Grief:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return, I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who grieves goes through all these stages—and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book, before she died in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Common Symptoms of Grief

While loss affects people in different ways, many experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

Shock and Disbelief

Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they are gone.

Sadness

Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt

You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g., feeling relieved when the person passes after a long, difficult illness). After a loss, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the loss, even if there was nothing more you could have done.

Anger

Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who has passed for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Fear

A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The loss of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

Physical Symptoms

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

11 Tips for Coping with Grief

Get Support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

Turn to Friends and Family Members

Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the offered assistance. Often, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.

Draw Comfort From Your Faith

If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you can offer solace, such as praying, meditating, or going to church. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.

Join a Support Group

Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.

Talk to a Therapist or Grief Counselor

If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.

Face Your Feelings

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Express Your Feelings in a Tangible or Creative Way

Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say, make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life, or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to them.

Look After Your Physical Health

The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

Protect Your Space

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel, either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry, or not to cry. It’s also OK to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

Plan for Grief Triggers

Grief triggers are anything that stirs up the memory of losing a loved one. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you love.

Create a Memorial

While we can’t change the fact that a loss has occurred, we can take ownership of how we face our grief. Creating a memorial for our loved ones can bring comfort and peace because it’s a tangible way of keeping their spirit alive. With The Living Urn, you can create a living memorial by committing your loved one’s ashes to a special BioUrn® that’s designed to grow a tree in unison with cremains. Whether as weeping willow, sweetbay magnolia, or another special tree, your loved one’s legacy can live on for several generations!

The Living Urn offers a wide range of high-quality urns and keepsakes to help you process grief and honor your departed loved one with style and dignity. From cremation jewelry that holds ashes to glass touchstones and more, we can help you find a beautiful way to hold your loved one in everlasting remembrance. Visit our store to learn more about our unique collection of urns today!